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Ive decided I need more meatspace friends. Let the numbers fall too low, damnit. |
I feel Ive lost direction at the moment. A lack of discipline in my life. I have started many things, and finished few of them this year. My antenna project I need to get done sooner rather than later, this one is annoying me. Photography Im doing less than I want to, for no good reason. Cooking, Cocktails, Movies, I do little of these days (cooking however I do make alot of the usual things though, little experimentation). Writing I dont know, I cant finish a story, or start one at the moment. I can think of scenes easily enough, but thats not enough. My own blogging projects are languishing, I'm not sure why. Work is draining alot of my spirit at the moment, and I'm not getting much recharge from friends. See them too little and have too few of them these days. Very single as well.
One bit of focus I find myself missing more than I expected was gym work. Late last year I got down to a disciplined approach to it, not skipping sessions, structured and the like. Sometime near the end of the year this broke. We had house guests, I found it hard to focus on squats, flys, lifts and stretches with the noises of kids running around outside in the evening. It made me annoyed, and I stopped exercising for a bit. Breaking the discipline I had made it so easy to put it off again and again. The evening was too hot, I was too tired, I had something to do on the computer, one excuse after another.
I miss it.
The house guests are long gone now, The weather has cooled down. And i keep saying to myself 'I should start exercising again' But pathetically I don't. Ive put weight back on again, I feel weakness return to muscles that were strengthening and soreness from lack of use in other places. This isnt what i want to feel like (or look like to be honest with myself). I find at times that I justify not doing things because of other people. 'No ones going to read it', 'no ones going to look at it', 'whos going to appreciate the improvement in body.'
What happened? I dont know. I was exercisng for myself, I was photographing for myself, I was writing for myself. When did myself not become enough for this. I was enjoying it. I was feeling good about myself. I get glimpses of it now and then, when I feel alive, but not enough.
In July im taking a week off work, getting away from here, decompressing and hopefully renewing.
I will shoot film, I will drink cocktails, I will cook meals, I will watch movies. I will run in the sand.
When Im back after that holiday, If i have not started gym work before then. I will that week.
I will be me by the spring equinox. If not. Who the fuck am I?Current Mood:  determined |
http://www.arcotexchange.com/
Read, Enjoy, Ask Questions, Whatever :)Current Mood:  cheerful |
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May. 22nd, 2010 @ 10:47 pm
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I dont feel intact. :/Current Mood:  tired |
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Apr. 23rd, 2010 @ 10:17 pm
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Sometimes I wonder if the joy and pleasure I get from seeming friends surpasses the feelings that come afterwards.
I;m not sure I;m going to like this weekend. A long one but...Current Mood:  discontent |
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bluelemon's journal